New mom –> Martha Stewart
After I adjusted to being a new mom, I turned into a Martha Stewart. I made her wreaths, Apple Pie, and a lot of other crafty things. I made a lovely Christmas Dinner and baby leggings. I was able to do this because babies sleep a lot and I wanted to be the perfect mom. When Annabelle was about a year old, I lost the morning nap. Even then, I still managed to throw a Cake Tasting party, which proved to me that if you really want to accomplish a task, you will figure out how.
Just before toddlerdom –> Dr. Phil
While I was pregnant, I bought a ton of books on what it was like to be pregnant, what to do, what was happening but I forgot to buy any books on what to do when you actually bring a living, breathing human being home. The first week Annabelle was home, I freaked out and bought lots of books on how to raise kids, be a great parent, and awesome parenting tactics here. When Annabelle turned 1, she became my human guinea pig. I started to put some of the theories into action. Well well well. Some of them worked and some of them didn’t. I don’t know what to tell you except that I wish that they would come up with a behavior book modeled like the Choose Your Own Adventure series. If your child pushes other children around. First try this advice. If your child runs away, go to page 72. If your child screamed and threw himself down on the ground, go to page 41. If your child ignores you, start over at the beginning of the book.
The “Terrible Two’s” –> Gordon Ramsey
GET INTO THE CAR. EAT YOUR DINNER. NOT NOW, WE HAVE TO GO. One day, we finished running errands around 10 am. I thought we’d run over to the Cougar Mountain Zoo since its a rare sunny day in the Seattle area and only a 30m drive. At the zoo, I parked and put baby Liam in the Bjorn. We walked up to the gate and a sign states the zoo is closed. UGH. After I told Annabelle, she started to wail because she was excited to see the tigers. On the drive home, we have to take the highway and Liam started crying because he has… crapped his diapers. Now it smells bad AND there is nonstop crying for the next 45 minutes because of traffic. Nothing helped, not a binky or a pinky, talking or rubbing his cheek, mind you while driving one hand on the wheel another in the back seat. Annabelle has since started crying too because GOD FORBID Liam cry alone. FORTYFIVE MINUTES. I cursed the stop light. At home, it only took 15m of foot dragging to get them inside. I changed Liam while AB proclaims that she’s hungry and wants to eat. When I finished Liam, I started Annabelle’s lunch, only to find out I have no food. Liam has started to scream again because he’s hungry. I cheated and she got a spoonful of peanut butter, some rice and cucumber slices. I leave to feed him and Annabelle dumps her milk into the rice and demands more food in a shrill 22mo girl voice while I have already started to nurse Liam. I explain he needs to eat and it takes about 15m to nurse him, all the while I am hearing, “I eat, I hungry… (repeatedly). I tell her that “Patience is a hard lesson sometimes and maybe she should think before pouring her milk into the rice.” It’s probably the wrong thing to say. I don’t give a rat’s a** because its the nicest thing I can think to say while I’m losing my f*n sh**. Finally he’s done and when I check on her, I find that her pants are wet. While I am changing her diaper, I am about to pee my own pants because it’s been FOUR HOURS since we headed to the zoo and because of the wonderful weather and all the pollen, I sneeze. You can guess at that point what happened to me. After that, <See picture of Gordon Ramsey and imagine him saying, “GO UPSTAIRS TO YOUR ROOM. YOU ARE ALL TAKING A NAP, NOW.”>. I put on The Notebook and ate a bar of dark delicious chocolate. Gosling & Ghirardelli save lives in this house!
Anytime after the second baby is born –> Paula Deen
Fo Shizzle! Figuring out works for you and your family –> Snoop Dog
Finally, it happens. You get to a point where somehow, it makes sense to you. Somehow, when a woman is under the same duress that the Navy Seals use for torture training (lack of sleep combined with baby crying for extended durations) and learns how to stay calm and solve problems, it completely changes her. She’s able to laugh with her kids again and be okay with 3 large tubs of unmatched socks because frankly, she knows worse things could be happening. For me, finding a balance has been key: taking time for myself, accepting who I am as a parent, expressing glee when a ‘parenting trick’ from one of the books works, finding my ‘gang’, and expressing myself via the blog has kept me chill.
What does it all mean?
Frankly, now that I’ve experienced the five stages of motherhood, I am able to go back to any one of them. I am part Martha, part Dr. Phil, part Gordon Ramsey, part Paula Deena, and part Snoop. I still love to Martha up and make magazine Christmas Trees and I’m looking forward to many more crafting hours ahead (See my DIY Home Pinterest board here!). I still read parenting books AND I still have days where I am going to lose my frakin’ mind, but I am having more Snoop days (sans the brownies from my college days).[dropshadowbox align=”none” effect=”lifted-both” width=”250px” height=”” background_color=”#ffffff” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]What celebrities do you feel describe your Momma’hood? What has worked for you? What do you think is a waste of time? Let me know, I love to hear from you![/dropshadowbox]